My Story, Part 2: Filling the Void


i just want to be clear with regards to my last personal post, I was 100% responsible for the choice i made to take PEDs. I take full ownership of that decision. Nobody forced me to do anything. I knew it was wrong but I also didn’t really comprehend the risk that i was taking because I had never been through it before… knowing the damage and embarrassment it entailed having gone through it now, theres no way in hell I would ever make that mistake again- which is the very reason why I am here openly sharing my story, so that other people don’t have to go through the misery and regret that I went through.

Moving on to Part 2: Filling the Void

A few months after my ban, I decided that I couldn’t live in the dark hole I placed myself in, I had to find myself again and the only way i knew how to do that was to compete in some other sport. I figured if i couldn’t strive to be the best CrossFitter in the world, then I would strive to be the best at something else. It was going to be either motocross, olympic weightlifting, or bodybuilding. 


After doing a few races, I quickly realized that motocross wasn’t gonna happen- I was too much behind the curve to be starting to race professionally. Olympic weightlifting sounded fun and I probably would’ve been decent at it but I just thought I’d get so bored with the same two movements over and over, so i passed that up.


Bodybuilding was the one that intrigued me most despite the fact that I knew the least about it. Like, seriously, I had NO CLUE what it actually entailed. I just thought Dana Linn Bailey looked smokin hot, and figured it was similar enough to CF in the fact that they lifted weights and did cardio so it couldn’t be THAT much different from CrossFit. Holy shit was I wrong. BB was the hands down the hardest thing I had ever done.


I hired a coach, picked a show to train for that was 6 months out, and I got to work. My coach had me follow a meal plan (1st big mistake), and of course my body responded great because it was the first time I had taken a serious approach to dieting for aesthetics. The training was completely different from CrossFit- instead of doing repetitions for time, you did repetitions for pain… essentially, the goal is to see how painful you could make training EVERY SINGLE DAY. Of course, I overtrained as usual, continuing with my 4-6 hours of gym time, but this time on 1200 calories. The last 4-6 weeks leading up to the show, I had no energy to do anything… I would cry in the middle of my sets because I felt like was going to pass out with the bar on my back, but my coach told me to fight through it, that the pain and weakness was completely normal. Knowing nothing about this sport, I trusted him and did what he said. I got completely shredded and from the outside, I looked like I had my life completely together but I was the most miserable, unhappy and lost person on the inside…and I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was until looking back at it now. 


Although the training and dieting was hard, I could handle hard, I could handle pain and an empty stomach because that required discipline, and I’m good at discipline… what I struggled with the most was the technical posing that you had to do in the skimpy little bikini outfits. It was frustrating, tedious and felt completely out of my element. I had to put a mask on (theoretically speaking) every time I practiced, smiling and acting as if I enjoyed looking myself in the mirror. I ultimately figured that if I just worked my ass off in the gym and steal the show with the most shredded physique, then my posing wouldn’t really matter.


And thats exactly what i did. I drove myself to the show, copied what all the other girls did since I was completely clueless, and walked away with 1st place.

I was happy and proud of what I accomplished, but the thing is I also expected no less than 1st place because I had worked so fucking hard, so the sense of pride was very short-lived and maybe even under-acknowledged. All the victory and celebrations came to a halting stop when I realized what kind of shit I was about to endure. Nobody warned me about the post-show rebound, nobody. 

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